Tracee Ellis Ross, 53, pushed back on the notion that a woman’s value hinges on having a partner or children during a recent appearance on “What Now? With Trevor Noah.”
“Society tells women that that’s our worth, that having children and finding a partner,” Ross said. “I mean not everywhere but that is that is for the most part.”
The actress, best known for her role on “black-ish,” said she refuses to let being single define her, even as she acknowledged she does experience loneliness at times and would welcome a partner if the right one comes along.
“I experience loneliness and all of it, and I want a partner, and I might not find one, I don’t know, you know, and I’m not going to make that mean something about me,” Ross said.
She said she views the scarcity of relatable role models as a sign that finding a compatible match may simply take longer, not that something is wrong with her.
“I think of how many people I know like me, not so many, so maybe it’ll take some time for me to meet the person that’s a match for me. I don’t know,” Ross said.
Ross argued that women who resist framing their entire identity around romantic status are often unknowingly pushing back against deep-seated societal, cultural, and patriarchal expectations. She said she will not subscribe to the idea that being unpartnered reflects negatively on her.
“What defines your value as a woman, who wants you,” Ross said of the social pressure women face. “But I won’t subscribe to it; I don’t. My life is wonderful.”
Reflecting on her eight years and 173 episodes on “Girlfriends,” Ross said she has spoken publicly about a realization that came only after the show ended: for years, she had been waiting passively to be chosen by a partner rather than recognizing her own agency to choose.
“On girlfriends I talk about this all the time but on girlfriends for eight years 173 episodes I was a successful woman who couldn’t find a partner and was waiting to be chosen and I didn’t realize it but when I left the show I have spent years and I talk publicly about it now because I didn’t realize how much I had spent years waiting to be chosen and I started to realize I’m like what the I’m the chooser I can choose my partner,” Ross said.
Describing her general approach to relationships, Ross said she does not want to be treated as decorative or confined to conventional expectations of homemaking, even though she considers herself a natural caretaker.
“You can’t think that I’m gonna be the prize on your arm and be that thing where in my life I get to fly like an eagle every day and be as big as I want to be and as small as I want to be and as sexy as I want to be and it’s like to do all this and then I’m just gonna I’m gonna cook it like you know and don’t get me wrong like I’m a caretaker and I’m gonna cook for you and all those kind of things but not because you expect it not because you want it just because that’s part of who you are you’re not gonna put me in a box and just be a little thing over here like I’m a I’m a full planet,” Ross said.
When asked if being a “full planet” makes dating hard, Ross responded: “I’m a solar system.”
She continued: “I don’t think you’re a planet; I think I’m a solar system. I don’t know that it makes dating hard. I don’t know. I mean, I’ve dated younger guys, and that’s been interesting, and then sometimes it’s not. I mean, it’s individual. Do you know what I mean? It’s always individual.”
Ross acknowledged there are quality partners available. “I think there’s really great guys out there. I think my thing is think of how many people I know like me, not so many, so maybe it’ll take some time for me to meet the person that’s a match for me. I don’t know,” she said.
Ross also drew a comparison between how people react to her relationship status and how they react to sobriety.
“It’s similar to alcohol people press you until you say you went too far and you’ve stopped but if you just say I’m not drinking so say no thanks if you go people like a drink and you go I don’t drink alcohol they go like why not but if you say I stopped people like oh oh oh same thing with your relationship status if people say are you single are you married you say no never married you’ve never been no you’ve but if you go like yeah divorce and I’m no then people go oh I understand I understand okay,” Ross said.
She also described growing tired of being repeatedly asked whether she plans to have children.
“For a while there there was have you ever thought about having children no never thought about it I’m so glad you brought it up should we talk about it now you and I should we talk about why let’s well let’s get into it what the fuck are you asking me I never thought about I’m so glad you brought this up I’m so glad you brought this up I never thought do you think what is I mean is it time do I do it now,” Ross said in frustration.
