Emily Mai’s polyamory does not revolve around avoiding commitments. Rather, it revolves around redefining commitment.
The 35-year-old influencer has discovered many things about nonmonogamous relationships in the last few years, but none so significant as realizing the folly of expecting one partner to satisfy your every emotional, physical, and intimate needs.
“Being poly means you’re not putting all your wants, needs, and desires into one person,” says Mai. “That can be a lot of pressure for both people.”
Here are some of the things she has found out about being in a polyamorous relationship:
One of the worst mistakes in relationships is assuming you can find it all in one person.
“You can have one partner you travel with, another you share certain k*nks with, and someone else you just have really deep conversations with,” she said. “It makes life feel more full.”
Communication is an essential element in any polyamorous relationship.
“If you want a healthy poly relationship, you have to communicate,” she says.
Polyamory involves communicating often about things that might be hard even to imagine with your partner: your attraction to other people, your boundaries, needs, and fantasies.
“You’re talking about things that might feel uncomfortable, but that’s what makes it work,” she adds. “Imagine how much spicier your relationship would be if you shared your fantasies together. Relationships would be a lot happier if people were just more open.”
As far as she is concerned, jealousy is a common thing in any polyamorous relationship. However, it shouldn’t prevent you from enjoying the freedom of choice.
“Jealousy is completely normal,” says Mai. “For me, it usually comes from insecurity.”
The only thing you need to do is to address your jealousy immediately.
“I’ll say, ‘Hey, I felt a little bit jealous when we were at a party, and you left me mid-conversation to go make out with someone else,’ and then we’d work through it,” Mai said.
It is also important to manage logistics well. At a certain point, Mai was managing 6 partners, both individuals and couples, which meant a calendar of activities and honoring other people’s time.
“Everything goes in a calendar,” she says. “If you make plans, you honor them.”
As for the first date, Mai is always honest about her poly status right from the beginning.
“I tell people straight away that I’m poly,” she said. “I’ve tried dating monogamous people, but it usually ends with them wanting me all to themselves.”
As Mai has discovered herself, trust is a necessary element in polyamorous relationships, and it can still be violated.
“Cheating can still happen if you’re hiding things or going behind someone’s back,” she said. “It always comes down to communication.”
There are numerous ways of structuring a polyamorous relationship. According to Mai, the most crucial aspect of any relationship is clarity about the terms.
“Some people have a primary partner, others don’t,” she says. “The most important thing is that everyone understands where they stand.”
However, Mai believes that even those who are not interested in polyamory can still take something useful from it.
“Being able to talk openly about attraction, boundaries and feelings without shame is huge,” she says.
She also wants to challenge the opinion that any outside connection can be seen as a threat to your relationship.
“You can have meaningful connections with other people that don’t take away from your relationship,” says Mai.
Even if polyamory is not your thing, Mai is sure that people are more intrigued about it than they admit.
“You don’t know what you don’t know,” Mai said. “There are so many different ways to structure relationships. It’s just about finding what works for you.”
